No Going Back
by BollyKnickers
Summary: A rather fluffy one-shot based around episode 2.05 and 2.06. Zoe and Danny are forced to think about their friendship. Zoe/Danny, of course. Un-beta'd so any mistakes are my own!


**A/N: **Rather fluffy this one. I kind of started writing it at 3am one night, and continued it into the working day so it's come in spurts and I was a bit worried it wouldn't all fit together, but I think it does. It's an alternative to some things that happened in episode 2.05 and 2.06. Zoe/Danny of course! And based loosely on things I've read in the 'The Personnel Files' book (again).

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Spooks. Nope. BBC and Kudos do ;)

-

Danny had gone through every emotion since arriving back at the flat that evening, taking himself to his room and ignoring Zoe. The anger had boiled up inside him, and he'd fought the urge to throw up – something which he could hear Zoe doing as he lay in bed – before finally just giving in to exhaustion. He'd fallen asleep trying to block out the sounds of his flatmate retching, and then sobbing, and, just as he was drifting off, seemingly going to bed.

His eyes fluttered open and he stared blearily at the doorway. Had he just imagined the sound of his name being called? No, apparently not. His eyes adjusted slowly to the faint light surrounding the outline of a figure standing just inside the door. She seemed to be shaking.

"Danny?" she whispered again, "Danny, I'm scared."

It may have looked like Zoe, but the voice certainly didn't sound like hers. He'd never seen her as frightened as she had been today, and that was part of the reason he'd left her alone. It was being around her when she was that vulnerable that made him feel things he knew he shouldn't feel. He tried his best to block them out.

"I know," he said, groggily, blinking a few times in an attempt to focus on her.

She twitched, switching from one foot to the other nervously. Danny relented, sighing, and then pulling back his covers but not making any move to sit up.

"Come on, get in," he murmured, not looking at her.

Zoe hesitated before padding over to the bed and slipping under the covers. It reminded her of the nights when she'd had a bad dream as a child, and gone to her older sister Lucy's room in the middle of the night. She'd always made her feel safe when no one else could. Snuggling against Danny, she smiled weakly, sniffing.

He curled himself around her, holding her to him and cocooning her in his strong, safe arms. She was still tense, and shaking, but after a moment he felt her relax against him, her breathing evening out. They'd never been so physically close. Every part of his body was tingling, but it still felt strangely comfortable, normal even. He knew this was what she needed. Someone to take care of her.

Zoe could feel his breath on the back of her neck, could make out his heart pounding against the thin material of her nightshirt. She didn't want to move for sake of ruining the moment, disturbing the strange peace she was getting from just being close to him. The EERIE exercise had taken it all out of the whole team, but her in particular. She was already in a bad place because of what had happened with Carlo, and the pure exhausting terror the exercise had put her through had tipped her over the edge. She'd thought that it would be easy to sleep after everything that had happened. That she'd be fast asleep the second her head hit the pillow. But she hadn't. She'd stayed awake, horrible images of what could have happened dancing about behind her closed eyelids.

Her first instinct was to talk to Danny about it. But she soon realized that was not going to happen when as soon as they'd arrived back at the flat, he'd breezed into his room and closed the door, without so much as an 'are you okay?' or a 'goodnight'. That possibly hurt more than all of the rest of it put together.

But now here she was, snuggled up against his bare torso, the steady pace of his heart beat and her shallow, frightened breaths the only sounds in the otherwise still room. His left hand was resting gently on her hip, the other absent mindedly brushing hair away from her face. Zoe rolled over to face him, careful as not to squash the arm that was under her upper body, and a thin smile came to her lips.

"Thank you," she whispered, her face inches away from his, "I needed this."

"I know," he replied simply, his eyes watching hers in the darkness.

They lay in silence for a while, so much so that after a moment, Danny was almost sure that Zoe had drifted off to sleep, her eyes having fluttered closed. She looked far more peaceful now, and he was just contemplating trying to get some sleep himself when her eyes shot open again.

"Whatever happens," she said, her voice shaky, "there's always going to be you and me, right?"

"Of course," Danny nodded, tentatively leaning across and kissing the top of her head.

Zoe made a soft sigh-like sound, lifting her face and, slowly, moving her lips to his. She'd wanted this ever since the night where she'd told him the truth about Tessa and her phantom agents, but she'd given up on it after the door bell had interrupted the first time around. If Danny felt the same way, he hadn't shown it, not until now. Their lips met gently, and then she kissed him harder, hers parting slightly, just enough for his tongue to find access. She could feel his hand leave her hip, moving slowly down, grazing her thigh. It felt so natural, unlike anything she could ever have imagined.

"I'm not doing this if it's... if it's taking advantage of a bad day," Danny muttered, leaving her lips alone for a moment.

Shaking her head, Zoe pulled his face towards hers again, kissing him again, deeper, her arms snaking around his neck as he pulled her up, on top of him. He was sitting up, and she knelt with one leg either side of his, discarding the covers onto the floor. It was a warm night anyhow, and the covers were doing nothing but stick to her. Danny's hand slid up her leg, higher, bypassing the small pair of pyjama shorts, and scampering up her stomach under the loose nightshirt, reaching its destination and lingering there. God, he'd wanted to do this for so long.

"Zo?" he whispered, as she moved her mouth to his neck, her hands on his chest, fingernails digging into the flesh.

"Mmm?"

"You know… I… I want this. I've wanted this so much for so long. I can't… we can't go back after this."

Zoe lifted her head to look at him for a moment, "I know. Stop talking."

She lowered her head to his neck, nuzzling and kissing her way along his shoulder, her hands reaching down to slide off his pyjamas…

-

Zoe woke and glanced at the clock. Or rather, where she thought the clock was. It was only when she was met by a blank wall that she remembered that she wasn't in her own bedroom. She located Danny's clock, which was now on the floor, trying not to disturb him as she did so, and frowned. The glowing digital numbers told her it was 4.26 am. Groaning, she rolled back over, resting her head on Danny's chest. Sometime during their 'activities' earlier in the night, she'd knocked the clock off its stand, but neither of them had paid enough attention to set it right.

It had been amazing; she was not going to deny that, especially compared to the quickie in the hotel room with Carlo. Danny seemed to know exactly where to touch her, where to kiss her. It was like they were perfectly fitted to each other. She'd never experienced anything like it. It had made her desperate for more, so much so that they ended up waking an hour later and doing it all over again.

And yet, something seemed wrong.

She sighed, Danny's words echoing through her head; _'we can't go back after this'. _She knew how he felt. She knew that after having her once, he'd not be able to slip back into them just being friends. At first, she thought she'd felt the same. But she didn't. She just couldn't explain it. It was like… she'd waited so long for him to be ready that she'd almost given up on it. And now he wanted her. He couldn't have picked a worse time for it, though. Carlo had ripped her apart with his lies and deception. Zoe didn't want to get hurt again. She didn't think she could trust anyone, not even her closest friend. Not even Danny.

"Zo? Are you awake?"

Zoe lifted her head from Danny's chest and glanced down at him. His eyes were closed, and she guessed he was probably still half asleep.

"Yeah," she whispered.

"Okay." and with that, he seemed to go back to sleep.

As soon as she was certain he was not going to stir again, Zoe slid out of the bed and tiptoed back to her own room. The covers, as she pulled them over herself, were cold, and her bed didn't feel the same. She longed to be close to Danny again, to feel as safe as she had when he first wrapped his arms around her, but sleeping with him had changed everything. She didn't know what 'safe' was any more. Closing her eyes, she gave in to sleep.

-

Weeks went by. Danny had tried talking to Zoe, but she was more closed off than ever and ignored him. They didn't get an opportunity to discuss what had happened. He'd meant what he'd said about not being able to go back – every day he thought about her, every night was spent dreaming of what they could have been doing. What they _should_ have been doing, if it wasn't for her being stubborn.

He gave up. She seemed to think she could just go back, that she could just act like nothing had happened. At least she was talking to him now; that was an improvement. But he needed more. She'd given him a taste of what he wanted, and now he was desperate to taste it again, to taste _her _again.

They went through their daily tasks as if nothing was wrong. He was moodier than usual, but if anyone picked up on it they didn't confront him about it.

And then in barged Miranda and her stupid psycho-analysis-bollocks. Danny hadn't known what to say when the stupid woman had brought up the subject of Zoe.

"What about her?" he snapped, staring the woman in the eye.

"What's she like to work with?" Miranda replied, calmly, looking down at her clipboard and then back up at Danny.

He could feel the sweat building on his brow, and he wiped at it, "she's very talented and hard working," he said, finally.

"And at home? What's it like sharing a flat with her?"

Danny swallowed hard.

"She used to be very untidy and leave her clothes everywhere, but she's got better," he replied, somewhat faster than his usual pace of speech, and darted his eyes away from her.

"So. You spend nearly every hour of the day with her, and all you've got to say is that she's talented, hard working and untidy?" Miranda glanced up from her notes, her eyebrows raised, "that's it?"

"No," he whispered. Of course that wasn't 'it'. She consumed his every thought. He lay awake at night thinking about her, listening to her soft breathing through the thin walls. One night, he'd even got up out of bed to watch her sleep, but realized that that wasn't a good idea when she started to stir.

"No?" Miranda repeated, scribbling away at her clipboard.

"No."

"You're in love with her." Miranda stated, her hand stilling, eyes looking squarely into Danny's.

"I didn't say that!" Exasperated, Danny wiped again at his brow, "It's complicated."

"Isn't it always? That's why I'm here. Be as ope--"

"...open and candid as you like. I know. But I don't think I should be discussing this stuff with you. Not when... not when even Zoe doesn't know..."

Miranda nodded thoughtfully. The smug look on her face made Danny want to hit her, and he subconsciously sat on his hands to prevent doing so. _This_ was precisely why nobody visited the 5th floor.

Danny left the session feeling more confused and hurt than he had when he went in.

-

After the operation had finally finished and they'd all gone home, Zoe found herself sitting in bed staring at the ceiling. She'd really thought that that was it; she was going to be sacked. Miranda had told her what Danny had said, and not one word of it was good. It had felt good to let rip about all the stuff that he did that annoyed her, but afterwards, she'd realized that it wasn't what annoyed her at all. It was what she _enjoyed_ about living with him. What she loved about him, even.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a sharp knock on her bedroom door, which was already slightly ajar. She glanced up from the space on her bed that she'd been staring at, and sighed.

"Yeah?"

Danny soon appeared inside the room, looking a little sheepish.

"What? I know it's my turn to do the washing, but I'll do it in the morning Danny. I'm really tired," she rambled, knowing that she had no intention of sleeping any time soon, but not wanting to get up and load the washing machine.

She also knew that that wasn't why Danny was here, but didn't want to face what he had to say.

"I don't care about the washing," he started.

"Danny..."

He shook his head, "No, we've put off talking about this for long enough."

"What is there to talk about?" she sighed again, knowing that her façade of not caring was slipping, exposing her vulnerability.

"Well, I don't know if you remember or not, but we had sex," Danny said, sarcastically.

"I do remember," she replied, in a small voice. It was slipping further. She could hear the lump in her throat, and knew it would be clear to Danny too.

"Don't act like it was nothing," he hissed, his face suddenly closer to hers, as he knelt down beside the bed.

She'd swung her legs over the side and was looking directly at him. Tears stung at her eyes.

"I know you Zoe, I know how to read you," he continued, his voice softer, "and I know you've been thinking about it just as much as I have."

She raised her eyes to his, blinking back the tears that threatened to spill, "of course I have," she whispered.

"Right," he said.

"Danny... it's not that simple," Zoe sniffed, wriggling on the bed a little.

Danny nodded, noting the way Zoe was fidgeting. It wasn't anything unusual; she'd never been able to sit still. And he knew this was proving to be very difficult for her. He hadn't thought about the obligations of what he'd asked her that night. Not considered how horrible the week had been for her.

"My bed feels empty without you," he said after a moment, "I know it's stupid because you were only in it once, but I... it feels empty and cold."

"Mine too," she admitted, forcing a smile.

How had they reached this point? He, famous for his one-night-stands and forgetting to call women back; a typical jack-the-lad, and she, who found it hard to form relationships at the best of times, and had been hurt more times than she'd care to remember. It was ironic really... in some way.

"It was pretty amazing," he said, with a smirk.

"Yeah," she replied, biting her lip.

"I know what's wrong you know..." Danny said, taking one of her hands – which was currently picking at the bed sheets – in his own and squeezing, "you don't want to get hurt again."

Zoe looked at him with glistening eyes, "I...I'm sorry."

"No, I know. I _get it_ Zo. And I'm not going to hurt you. I care about you too much to hurt you," he said softly, running his thumb across her knuckles.

"Mmm?"

"And. If I'm honest. I don't want to get hurt either," he continued, sounding a lot more insecure than Zoe had ever heard him.

"Right, so we've reached the conclusion that neither of us want to get hurt," Zoe joked lightly, poking his knee with her toe.

"Yes. That's a good start right?"

She laughed, "Yes. Yes a bloody good start."

"You'll never find anyone who understands you like I do," Danny said suddenly, sincerely.

"I know," she whispered, stroking his cheek with the hand that was not in his.

"This isn't just... just sex. That's why I don't know what I'm doing," he concluded, the sheepish look returning to his dark features.

"You feel it too?" Zoe offered, moving their entwined hands to her chest, right over her heart, and closing her eyes.

"Yes,"

Zoe's eyes flickered open again, "what told you?"

"Miranda-Bloody-Saunders," Danny replied, laughing softly.

That made Zoe laugh too. She let go of Danny's hand.

"Yeah. For all our hatred for the sodding woman, we can be thankful to her for that."

That's when it dawned on Danny. The transcripts from that stupid interview. They'd promptly arrived on Harry's desk, then been passed on to Tom, and then god knows who else. Great reading, he suspected. He just hoped it didn't get into the wrong person's hands.

"You know... Harry's got our love life in written form in a brown folder on his desk right about now..." Danny said, a soft blush rising to his face.

"Why? According to Miranda, you had nothing but bad words to say about me. I'm apparently... what was it? 'Always late', 'messy' and – oh this is my favourite one - 'up my own arse'," she said, raising an eyebrow.

"I never said any of those things!" Danny's eyes widened in horror, "okay, maybe the messy bit... but not the rest!"

"So you told her how you feel about me... like... really?" Zoe inquired, tilting her head to one side.

"Yes. Like I said, Harry, Tom – and whoever else comes across that sodding file – is going to be able to read all about our sex life."

"You mean... you told her we...?"

Danny pulled a face, "yeah. Sorry."

Zoe laughed again. It was a heart-warming sound and one that Danny didn't hear often enough any more. He'd told Miranda that, too.

"Well, we might as well give them something to read about... you know... for next time," she said, winking.

"...my room?" he choked out.

Zoe grinned, "I thought you'd never ask."

**THE END**


End file.
